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Funny Quotes and Quotations


The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.


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If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.
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