Famous Quotes Quotes by Topic Quotes by Author Most Popular Quotes Most Popular Authors Random Quotes My Favorite Quotes
Navigation: Famous Quotes and Authors - Humorous Quotes Bookmark and Share


Author Index
Browse quotes by the
author's last name
A B C D E F
G H I J K L
M N O P Q R
S T U V W X
Y Z


Humorous Quotes and Quotations


My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.
I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer."
"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier and hoarser than his wife.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
A secretary must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a girl and work like a dog.
Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Leisure time is when your wife can't find you
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school, everybody hated me.
There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.
I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer."
"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier and hoarser than his wife.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
A secretary must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a girl and work like a dog.
Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Leisure time is when your wife can't find you
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school, everybody hated me.
There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.
I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer."
"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier and hoarser than his wife.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
A secretary must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a girl and work like a dog.
Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Leisure time is when your wife can't find you
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school, everybody hated me.
There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.
I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer."
"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier and hoarser than his wife.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
A secretary must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a girl and work like a dog.
Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Leisure time is when your wife can't find you
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school, everybody hated me.
There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.
I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer."
"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier and hoarser than his wife.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
A secretary must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a girl and work like a dog.
Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Leisure time is when your wife can't find you
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school, everybody hated me.
There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.
I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer."
"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier and hoarser than his wife.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
A secretary must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a girl and work like a dog.
Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Leisure time is when your wife can't find you
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school, everybody hated me.
There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.
I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer."
"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier and hoarser than his wife.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
A secretary must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a girl and work like a dog.
Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Leisure time is when your wife can't find you
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school, everybody hated me.
There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.
I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer."
"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later. For another thing, they die earlier.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier and hoarser than his wife.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
A secretary must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a girl and work like a dog.
Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Leisure time is when your wife can't find you
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school, everybody hated me.
There are no perfect people - except, of course, my wife's first husband.


Quote of the Day
I think and think for months, for years. Ninety-nine times the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.
Top 10 Authors
Oscar Wilde Quotes
John F. Kennedy Quotes
Mark Twain Quotes
Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes
Albert Einstein Quotes
Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes
George Bernard Shaw Quotes
Winston Churchill Quotes
Benjamin Franklin Quotes
Abraham Lincoln Quotes
 View All Popular Authors
Home Page About this Site Link to Us Contact Us My Favorite Quotes Privacy Statement
The Quotes on this website are the property of their respective authors. All information has been reproduced on this website for informational and educational purposes only.
Copyright © 2011 Famous Quotes and Authors.com. All Rights Reserved.