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Life and Death Quotes and Quotations


If anything happens to me, tell every woman I've ever gone with I was talking about her at the end. That way, they'll have to reevaluate me.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.
For my family to go on living the way they are living now, I can't just die. I've got to die accidentally.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with Prudential. All I can say is: When I go, they go!
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry.
Memorial services are the cocktail parties of the geriatric set.
I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.
The other night, while lying on a couch, I reviewed the high point of my life and fell asleep!
My mother always said that every time you do a good deed here on Earth, you're storing up a treasure in heaven. Which means Mother Teresa's probably got some beachfront property up there and I'm up to a box of Milk Duds and a Pez dispenser.
Why this fuss about death? Use your imagination, try to visualize a world without death.
Ninety percent of living is just showing up.
Everybody's gotta die sometime. That's life.
Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.
I want to die like my grandfather died . . . peacefully in his sleep. Not like the other three people screaming in the car.
I don't want to put my life in the hands of any doctor who believes in reincarnation. Give me a good old-fashioned American doc who'll make sure you live to pay that bill.
The only thing I regret about my life is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I'd make all the same mistakes - only sooner.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
When fate's got it in for you, there's no limit to what you may have to put up with.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
He wasn't one who wanted to look back on his life and say, "I wish I spent more time in the office."
Being of sound mind, I spent every cent I ever had.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
The best way to get praise is to die.
No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Life is like a B-movie. You don't want to leave in the middle of it, but you don't want to see it again.
If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Life is something that happens to you while you're making other plans.
Life is not a dress rehearsal.
St. Teresa of Avila described our life in this world as like a night in a second-class hotel.
If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.


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