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Our team was surprisingly consistent this year. We closed with a seven-seven record. We lost seven at home, and seven on the road.
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
I want you all to line up in alphabetical order, according to your size.
Slumps in life are like soft beds. They're easy to get into and hard to get out of.
They X-rayed my head and found nothing.
Go jogging? And get hit by a meteor?
When I see joggers go by, I shout, "Jim Fixx is dead. Fats Domino lives!"
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Counting both times I cheated this week, I won at solitaire twice.
You know you're getting old when you start watching golf on TV and enjoying it.
As a woman I resent the fact that in golf if I have the highest score, I'm the loser.
He who has the fastest cart never has a bad lie.
My best score is 103, but I've only been playing for fifteen years.
It's not that I really cheat at golf. I play for my health, and a low score makes me feel better.
I play in the low eighties. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
I asked my instructor how I could cut ten strokes off my score. He told me to quit on hole 17!
I get confused with all the rules in golf. Let's say you're playing in L.A. and your ball lands on a dead body. Is your relief one or two club lengths?
My golf has really improved even though my score hasn't. I'm missing the ball much closer now.
Gimme: An agreement between two losers who can't putt.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Golf is not a matter of life or death. It is much more important than that.
player: Can I reach it with a five iron? caddie: Eventually.
Golf and sex: Two things you can really enjoy without being that good at them.
Golf is a good preoccupation, but as the meaning of life ... it lacks a few things.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
By the time a man can afford to lose a golf ball, he can't hit that far.
This guy is such an obvious cheater that once, when he had a hole in one, he wrote down zero on his scorecard.
My golf is getting better all the time. Today I parred all but sixteen holes.
Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
If people focused on life's really important matters, there'd be a shortage of golf clubs.
I'm not playing with my brother-in-law today. Would you play with a man who improves his lie and cheats on his score? Well, neither would he!
You've got just one problem. You stand too close to the ball - after you've hit it.
I used to want to shoot my age. Now I would just like to shoot my temperature.
What a terrible round. I only hit two good balls all day and that was when I stepped on a rake in a bunker.
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.
Stated to a running back after an overly exuberant display of celebration: Next time you make a touchdown, act like you've been there before.
Nobody in football should be called a genius. Football players are not like Norman Einstein.
My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
Your brain commands your body to "Run forward! Bend! Scoop up the ball! Peg it to the infield!" Then your body says, "Who, me?"
Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal.
Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
He spends so much time in the sand trap you'd think he was in the cast of Baywatcb.


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